If Fashion Mags Were Honest
Stereochemistry is about to release a new '80s trash music video, and this very improvised video set accidentally yielded a handfull of appropriate photographs that allowed us to recreate a series of honest fashion magazine covers. It is nice to be a 37 year old cover girl with no photoshop involved, I tell you.
So fasten your seat belts and read on. We didn't stop at the mag covers here.
VAGUE - JUNE 2019 - IN THIS ISSUE
What's your favorite pubic hairdo? Hitler-stash (aka the infamous landing stripe - because let's face it, it is how a damn landing stripe looks like when someone goes down on you), the full-blown skinhead aka the 8-year-old or the good 'ole '70s bush?
Plus - 5 tips on how to successfully self-mutilate your genitalia while attempting to shave for the summer (works also for men, albeit with less risks involved). Unearth your primal power-self through the powerful catharsis of clean peritoneal and labial cuts. Pain is the best teacher.
In this issue, we also discuss the APPROPRIATE SHADE OF BROWN - that unattainable, fugitive skin colour lying somewhere between the fake-tanning sprays and skin bleaching products, both promising you that you will overcome your innate racial imperfection once you apply them on your skin.
For those who fake-tan - don't worry, reaching that golden immigrant brown won't deprive you of your privileged citizenships. Arbutine-junkies with uncool passports: no amount of skin bleaching will ever elevate you from the status of a second-grade human being. A profound change in human consciousness will.
The true star of this issue is the greatest beach stallion the State of Italy has ever seen - Maurizio Zanfanti "Zanza". In his rich sex bomber career, Zanza slept with over 6000 women and claims he has found that ONE thing that ALL WOMEN WANT. And we think the man is 100% right.
According to Zanza, the magic that got him to reach a mind-blowing score of 312 hot girls shagged in one summer alone is called KINDNESS. Not the money ('cause he has none), not the power, not the social status, not the looks. Kindness. We can't help but agree. Tinder generations, read and learn, read and learn.
COSMONOPOLITIAN - JUNE 2019 - EDITOR'S WORD
The summer is coming and we know it because suddenly those luxurious hot chocolate ads are replaced with a full-fledged WAR ON CELLULITE! This fully natural subcutaneous layer of pure evil is back to being the enemy of the state number 1.
Combat the demon like a pro - the newest high tech creams now incorporate pure PHOTOSHOP FILTERS. These have so far proven to be the only magic capable of eradicating cellulite from off your thighs.
Truth be told - none of these is medically tested, much like most of those ultrasound massage devices and other modern-day torture instruments that max out on your insecurities while the beauty industry maxes out on your credit cards, but hey - unlike other animals, humans love to volunteer as lab models. Women, especially.
Moreover, lose your self-confidence with our new LOW FAT VEGAN KETO DIET! Nothing will make you feel as self-conscious as knowing that you have failed to stick to our delicious 10-days lettuce lasagna and celery juice regime.
Renaissance is sooooo 1600s and using Boticelli paintings of pure beauty as an excuse for your own adipose deposits won't save you. For full misery success, do not forget to body-shame another woman, especially if she is accidentally born within a body that fits the current standards.
Stay sure those girls won't be able to fight back, as being fit and witty is genetically impossible. Accidental mutants of this kind freak men out the most, therefore they are unable to reproduce and pass those genes on. The real-life Fellini character ZANZA, a man who slept with the staggering 6000 ladies in his flourishing Casanova career, disagrees with above thesis and claims that besides kindness, all women want RESPECT and in order to seduce them, you actually have to open up and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
Too shocking of a hypothesis? A good-hearted sex bomber triggers you more than a convenient macho standard, as it is impossible to bash him with the good 'ole rusty feminist sword? MOST IMPORTANTLY: Tired of male oppression and fashion-imposed narrow, limiting, irrational beauty standards? Take a deep breath and ponder upon the fact that most popular female magazine editors in chief are ALL WOMEN.
AMEN.
